Get me what I want or I will cut you

A phone conversation between Great Aunt Laurel and me:

Me: Hello?

GAL: It's Laurel.

Me: (affecting oscar-worthy enthusiasm) Hi Auntie Laurel, how are you?

GAL: I was just wondering if you were registered anywhere BESIDES the Bay.

Me: Um, well, we are registered with a travel agent. We're hoping to get our honeymoon paid for.

GAL: I'm not doing that.

Me: Oh. Well, just the Bay then.

GAL: *sighs* Don't you want anything else besides crap from the Bay?

Me: A car would be nice! Or a baby grand piano...

(GAL has a baby grand sitting in her living room that she never plays, as she doesn't know how)

GAL: Yeah, RIGHT. I'll just get you whatever I can find that I think you might like.

Me: Oh... but... we have the regist....

*DIAL TONE*

And so, in advance, I have written a thank you letter to spare myself the trouble when I am writing thank you letters to nice people who got me nice things.

Dear Great Aunt and Uncle,

Thank you for the (insert name of useless piece of shit here). It's just what we wanted, but were too afraid to ask for, as people generally view (useless pieces of shit) as being tacky/useless/pieces of shit. You knew better though.
You are truly geniuses disguised as fat wealthy assholes who drive a hummer.
God Bless You Both.

Mild affection,
Jonathan and Chelsea Lee