I KNOW YOU'RE POOPING!

I absolutely HATE it when you go into a bathroom, and the person in the stall next to you goes eerily silent.
EVERYBODY POOPS! I'm not going to run out of the washroom screaming. Go about your business and I'll go about mine.
But OH NO!
You had to go all hush hush over there, until I flushed the toilet at which time you allowed yourself a gutteral "huuungh", to be promptly cut off when the toilet silenced itself.
I couldn't care less if you are shitting.
But I DO care that you make me feel like a pervert for my love of public shittery.
Yeah, that's right, I crap in public.
I like it.
Better in a public stall than my own home where I (or poor Jonathan) have to clean up the mess.
And yes, maybe it DOES give me a sick sense of pride when I create an ungoldy stink, knowing the next person to use the facilities will receive quite the shock.
So what if I think that's hilarious?!?
But you, you sneaky son of a bitch, you have to make a big deal about it.
But I saw your shoes.
And as if I didn't have anything better to do, now I have to traipse around the office looking at ladies shoes, find out who you are, then leave an anonymous note on your desk when you leave saying "Jeez, way to stink up the bathroom today Lorraine!"
That's so unthoughtful of you.