Cheery people make me spew

Here's a little story about the first time I met the new girl at work...

I was sitting in my cubicle, minding my own business, working hard to finish a picture I was drawing in paint for my own amusement.

The mustachioed and inept elderly receptionist was out in reception trying to figure out how to do something receptionisty. Though I've showed her how a phone works and which button turns the computer on, I've grave doubts that she will accomplish anything with her life.

Anywhatsit, I was just putting the finishing touches on my newest masterpiece when the sound of banjos and yodelling struck up close by.

Being the calm and patient person that I am, I immediately yelled "who's got that crap music on?" whilst throwing pencils in the general direction of the noise.

I heard a stifled giggle, and a girl emerged from the cubicle adjacent to my own. She had that stupid healthy look that some people have where their cheeks are too rosy and and it looks like they've just got in from riding a horse across the plains (though where she found any plains around here is beyond me).

"Oops", said Horsegirl "I guess you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl!"

"Oh, I'm sure your country would take you back if you didn't have such a stupid haircut / speak with such a stupid accent / wear such naff boots." I said. In my head. Good one, brain!

"Hi, I'm Horsegirl," she droned on. "Was my music too loud?"

"Erm," said I "We usually wear headphones if we are going to listen to horrib... uh... music."

She then sidled into my cublice (uninvited) and proceeded to tell me all about herself. I can sum this up with the words Boring, Alberta, Really Boring, and Pig Farm.

She also wanted to know all about me, and where I came from.

I told her "Well, I was born, I was alive for a while, and now I'm not sure, but I think I may have slipped into a coma."

She was undeterred by this and laughed gaily before scampering off to her desk, there to rearrrange her my little pony collection and listen to Garth Brooks on her headphones.

The rest of my day was spent ducking around corners when I saw her coming and generally ignorez-vousing her with all my might.

She has yet to get the picture, however, and just now asked me if I'd ever heard of the band "Big and Rich" (I have not).

This can only end in some sort of violent outburst on my part.