Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Don't judge me... judging is my job!

So... shameful admission... Iwent to see the new Twilight movie.

I know. You don't have to tell me. I've already been making fun of myself for a good week.

But here's my excuse; I went as the chaperone to a 10 year old child. Therefore, I am not as pathetic as the 40 year old woman who sat beside me. And nowhere NEAR as pathetic as her attending husband, whom, it would seems, lost his testicles and had them replaced with tween girl parts.

The movie was bad. Like, real bad. How that stupid bitch got two guys to fall in love with her while she drones along in her monotone voice and single stupid facial expression... I just don't know.

The woman beside me seemed to enjoy herself, however. Every time one of the (teenaged) boys would take off their shirts, she'd loudly exclaim "WELL NOW!... oh... WELL NOW!!", excitedly shaking her husband's arm while he tried to hide his emergent boner.

Really, old woman? Really? That kid is like 17. Even I felt like a perv watching him run half naked in the rain. Also, that main guy (who was only cool in the Harry Potter movies because Harry Potter is fucking awesome) is a creepy creeper. He took his shirt off at one point (there was a lot of taking off of shirts) and I threw up a little in my mouth. And no, it wasn't due to all of the junk food I had consumed. It was because Robert Pattinson looks like a neanderthal strung the fuck out on heroin.

Tweens have no taste.

Neither, it appears, do middle aged women. One lady at work was telling everyone how GREAT the movie was, how much she JUST LOVED it. I decided to tell her the story of "WELL NOW" woman, only to get cut off half way through as she exclaimed "Oh I KNOW! I was totally the SAME WAY! That man is so CUTE!"

I refrained from telling her that to be a "man" you had to actually have COMPLETED puberty. But hey, who am I to judge (besides a super awesome person that knows everything better than everyone).

But this I vow:

1. I shall never be a creepy cougar, getting hot and bothered over teenaged heart throbs
2. When my future children hit the age of 12 (ie the most annoying age ever) I am shipping them off to a boarding school and they can't come back until they have developed better taste in movies, men, music, books... until, basically, they can recognize that Twilight is the biggest piece of shit movie ever. Period.

1 comment:

  1. My favourite part from the movie was how when the random dude comes out of the forest at 2:00am, holding Bella in his arms, no shoes, no big deal. Nobody asks him any questions. Heyyyyy, wait a minute....where did you find her??? And where did all of your clothes go???